Funny short jokes and sayings No.2

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I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


Would a wingless fly be called a walk?


Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

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Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

I’m quitting facebook to face my books…

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen

Step 1: Buy hamster. Step 2: Name it virginity. Step 3: Lose hamster. Close enough.

Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill